


In Darkness. In Light.

by somethingindanish



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gift Exchange, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-02-07 00:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1877415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somethingindanish/pseuds/somethingindanish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taking place at the end of CA:TWS, Steve Rogers teeters between life and death as he lays in his hospital room. Will his memories of Bucky bring him back to the land of the living or send him spiraling towards the darkness of his mind?</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Darkness. In Light.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [reclusiveq](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reclusiveq/gifts).



> Written for the 2014 Star Spangled Gift Exchange on Tumblr. I wrote this little angsty fluff piece for tumblr user reclusiveq. I do hope you enjoy your gift! :)

Even now as he lay there, lapsing between conscious and unconsciousness, Steve Rogers was certain of one thing: he would always _love_ him. The Winter Soldier had cut him down to size: he maimed, bruised and broke the once proud and noble Captain America. Caused him all kinds of pain and suffering, spilt his blood, and stole what he thought was the one purpose of his life: to protect. All that he had stood for, all his principles seemed like whispers from the past. A past long buried along with his best friend, James Buchannan “Bucky” Barnes. But as they say, the dead never really leave us.  


America’s First Avenger, a broken man wearing a thin hospital gown, tubes attached to help keep him alive, keep him from slipping away into that vast abyss that is death. Steve’s eyelids twitched as he fought his own personal darkness. He fought the memories that came flooding into him like a constant echelon of waves, flooding out his light.  


Captain America can’t die, not this time. Not again.  


It all happened so fast, Steve was still trying to comprehend it. Bucky was still alive. Bucky was sent to kill him. He had been brainwashed and turned into Hydra’s puppet assassin. He killed without question, a trained attack dog with a bionic south paw strong enough to crush concrete and steel.  


Bucky sent him here to this hospital, those cold blue eyes staring into his own. With malice and confusion, those eyes watched as he let himself go, off the edge of the hellicarrier to certain doom.  
***  


But what Steve didn’t know, nor could he ever guess, was that the Winter Soldier, the masked and muzzled murderer, had saved him. He watched this “mission”, this “target” of his give up the fight, to prove a point. It moved him. Stirred something he hadn’t felt in a long time: empathy. He felt bad for this man. He hadn’t deserved his sympathy or the rescue from the heavy iron keeping him pinned to the platform. The one known as the Liberty Sentinel could have easily let him go, leave him to die a fiery death. But that was just his character flaw, no, his character.  
His silence spoke volumes as he stared down at the red, white and blue crashing into the river below them. If it wasn’t empathy that drove the Winter Soldier down below, was it…love?  


Love? Impossible.  


Love was an emotion that quashed what it meant to be a soldier. Love killed reason, muddled the mind and left room for error. His handlers had done everything they could to destroy this inside of him, wiping his memory of the past, of that blond haired kid who could never seem to say no to a fight. But the kid, that snot nosed brat from Brooklyn refused to leave his psyche. Despite all the electro-shock therapy, the Winter Soldier could not forget him. He did not want to forget.  
***  


Meanwhile that same blond boy lay there in his inky darkness, struggling to stay with the living. He was ready for this; he had decided a while ago that this is what was best. If Bucky couldn’t see reason, he’d gladly die trying. He had resigned himself to this fate, nearly smiling up at his former friend as he fell. Steve wondered if this calm he had felt just before hitting the cold waters was normal. Most people, he suspected, if put into this situation would be a mess of frantic thoughts and prayers. But not Captain Rogers.  
For as he fell back towards Earth, he was looking up at the one man who could ever truly make him happy. The former bully turned ally and confidant. The rough boy next door who made Steve blush like a dame asked out on a date, made him feel special and above all else, strong.  
***  


He had been a weakling, sickly yet willing to jump into the fray. Bucky kept him safe and out of as much trouble as humanly possible. But little Stevie, he was a fighter, a defender of those who couldn’t stick up for themselves. He knew it bothered Bucky that he was constantly butting in to business that wasn’t his. But he just could not stand a bully. Perhaps that is what drew them together in the first place.  
When Steve’s family had moved into the Brooklyn borough, Bucky was already the top dog of their little alley. To prove his dominance, he roughed up the little twerp the first time he laid eyes on him, shaking out whatever slim allowance his parents had given him. It went on like this for a few weeks until one day, the twerp spoke up.  


He said he was done. Said he would fight back. Bucky had laughed and taken a slug at the insolent little cur, knocking him out on his ass, a shiner already forming around his left eye. This continued the next day, and the day after that. Pretty soon, Buck was bored albeit, rather taken aback that this slight of a thing was determined to stand his ground. Soon it eventually reached a standstill. Bucky was tired of the same old thing. So he decided the next step was to just try and be friends. And pretty soon the two of them were inseparable.  
Wherever Bucky went, Steve would follow. Bucky was the type of fellow his mother didn’t approve of, she feared he’d become a bad influence on him. But she could never be more wrong.  


Bucky made Steve a better person, a better man. He lifted his spirits, brightened his days. He taught him how to properly throw a punch, and how to spit like pro. Bucky got Steve to come out of his shell of insecurity and doubt, making him try new things like that Cyclone at Coney Island, though that turned out to disastrous results.  


At the same time, Steve was changing Bucky. He gave him a reason to be good. His bullying ways were over. Now he stood up for the little ones because they mattered just as much as anybody else. Steve was the voice of reason to him and the only person he felt truly understood him.  
As they grew older, their tastes started to change. Bucky chased the girls while Steve was content to chase his dreams in his sketchbook. Steve figured Buck would find the right girl eventually, settle down, marry and have a bunch of kids, each one the cutting image of their father, with the temper to prove it.  


But there was something else that made Steve stay beside his pal, something else besides loyalty and the need for companionship. It was love.  


Taboo as it was, he knew he would be sent to jail or even worse the looney bin should anyone find out, Steve Rogers had developed feelings for him. At first he tried to fight it, wanting to like the dames Bucky had picked out for their double dates. But his eyes always drifted up towards Bucky’s face, the way he could light up the room with his smile. Steve had tried to pray his feelings away but what was the use? If this was a sin, he’d gladly give up his mortal soul for a chance to see James Barnes look at him, the way he looked at all the skirts he chased.  
It was not a secret anymore; he had fallen in love with Bucky.  
***  


Steve’s hands gripped at nothingness as he stared straight ahead, lost in his own head space. These memories kept plaguing him here. Why? Why now? Love is what kept him from killing him. Love is what would lead him to his Maker now. He was ready. He was at peace with what he had done for the world, with everything he had accomplished.  
It was then, just as the heart rate monitors started to slow that he saw that familiar face. It was James, his James. Not the steely gaze of the Winter Soldier or the war torn one that greeted him behind enemy lines. This wasn’t the visage of the Howling Commandos top sniper or the Staff Sergeant in his dress uniform.  


No. This was the face of his true love. This was Bucky, smile lines, sun kissed skin from his long days out working on the docks. This is the man that saved him on that river bank. This is who still needed him, alive.  
***  


Heart rate monitor levels reached normal. Steve let out a deep breath as his lashes fluttered, blue eyes opening and slowly but surely coming back into focus.  


The Falcon, Sam Wilson, sat dozing in a chair to the right of the bed. That made his heart light, seeing his new found friend, staying close by, being a new protector. Unfamiliar music was playing, whatever it was, he liked it. Steve lifted his head slowly, feeling weak and a little dizzy. He decided not to test his luck and let a small smile cross his lips. The memory of the face that had woken him was fresh. He almost wanted to laugh but his throat felt too dry for that.  


He would find Bucky again, even if it meant traveling to the ends of the earth and back again. He would thank him, for saving his life. Despite the challenges that lay ahead, Steve Rogers was clear on one thing: he would _always_ love him.


End file.
